What shall we keep or leave behind of everything we hear and read around happiness? What are we better-off learning or un-learning? Here is theHappyLab team's take on happiness through 6 lessons, as shared by Alexandra Lekkou. Happy reading!
Alexandra Lekkou, August 29, 2023
Since I can remember myself, I was fascinated by the people around me and really curious to understand how they felt, what they thought, why they behaved as they did and at the end of the day why we, as a community, lived the way we did. What if we did not take anything for granted? What would the alternatives ways of being and living be? Fortunately, I was wise enough at a young age to choose to study exactly that for five years, before starting a career of serving people in the workplace - a really rewarding experience for twenty-five years now…
Somewhere along the way, about a decade ago, a lucky inspiration led me to a TEDx Athens event, where Daniel Gilbert gave a talk about how the human mind works and what this means for how we remember, imagine, live, and ultimately how happy we are. I found the topic so interesting and his approach so engaging that it opened the door for me to this new discipline and psychological perspective, got me really excited and back to studying!
Today, my work, with theHappyLab team, is mainly around engaging people to making the most of scientific insights and tools for fulfilling their happiness potential on a personal, team, leadership and organizational level - which is proven to have significant positive impact on a number of important life outcomes, including health, relationships, and success at the workplace (I'll spare you the well-known facts in this article).
So, the basis of our work is Positive Psychology, which is a modern applied branch of the science of Psychology, leading research and applications in this subject. To put it simply, its aim is to explore and foster the knowledge and practices that elevate people above and beyond good, ok, standard, average or whatever else you like to call it… And that is GREAT!
What is NOT GREAT is the happiness fad that has developed in the last couple of decades, with all its exaggeration, misconceptions, myths, misguided advice, un-founded practices, self-proclaimed gurus… - the list goes on and it is counter-productive for advancing our well-being. So, I decided to join the professionals and scientists who try to bring a “real” and “human” perspective into the topic of happiness, by sharing some learnings from my journey so far, which de-bunk common myths around it.
KNOCK HAPPINESS OFF THE PEDESTAL
Let's start with what happiness is NOT: A MOMENT OF BLISS. When psychologists talk about happiness (or subjective well-being) they do not refer to one specific intense emotion or to that rare moment of pure joy and absolute elation. Happiness is more of an “umbrella” term (with an emotional and a cognitive aspect) for the wide range of positive emotions we experience on a daily basis, and for the meaning and satisfaction we derive from the “big picture” of our life. This definition means that there are countless small and big, subtle and intense ways to experience happiness, and each one of us has their own way about it. Where one person thrives in social interaction or new adventures, another thrives in immersing in an activity or serving others and so on and so forth.
WHY NOONE CAN FIND HAPINESS
"…happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue" said Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist, psychotherapist and Holocaust survivor. And indeed, happiness is not hiding somewhere waiting to be found, meaning that it cannot be directly pursued. We cannot decide to be happy or talk ourselves into being happy (this approach has been proven to potentially have the opposite effect). Also, it has been proven that no life event, as great as it may be, can elevate us to a new level of happiness in the long-term. Instead, the way we CRAFT OUR LIFE and daily experience, with all its big but mostly small and important things, can lead to a more or less fulfilling life, whatever this means for each one of us (from going for a jog every morning to buying our colleague the first coffee of the day and from excelling at a job in line with our talents to visiting our grandmother every Sunday…).
ARE YOU A SUPER-HERO?
To think that happiness, or anything for that matter, is under our full control is an illusion. Yes, how we perceive, think about, and respond to events and situations, and how we choose to behave and act can make a big difference in our personal wellbeing and life outcomes. At the same time, the way we lead and experience our lives is the result of more parameters beyond ourselves. Genetic factors are in play, affecting among other things our predisposition to experience positive emotions, more or less often and intensely. But more importantly, environmental factors are in play, from relationships in our family to climate in our workplace, from the economy and governance of our nation to trust or conflict in our society (think about the abysmal difference of wellbeing across countries, as illustrated by the World Happiness Report). So, it is important to appreciate what is under our control and what is not and how we can best navigate our environment and resources to bring about as much positive change as possible. DRIVE FOR CHANGE on the one side and ACCEPTANCE on the other are both necessary – it is worth noting that some studies have found that greater acceptance of reality also leads people to more effectively driving change.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
An individualistic approach to a good life goes against everything we know about human beings and happiness. First off, our connections to the people we interact with are very powerful - so powerful that we get influenced by the emotions, beliefs and actions (from sadness and excitement to losing weight and getting divorced) of people we never get to meet (up to 3 links away from us in our social networks) - and of course we have the same influence on them (remember the 3 degrees of influence theory). More than that, satisfying relationships have been found to be the key ingredient of a happy and healthy life (by the longest happiness study, at Harvard University, and note only). The people we are close to are vital for our wellbeing, for sharing our joys and for supporting us through challenges. But more importantly, altruism and kindness have been proven to be the surest ways not only to uplift other people but even more so to uplift ourselves. It seems that focusing on others and their wellbeing is a clear path to boosting our own happiness, which is definitely NOT A ZERO-SUM GAME.
LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES…
…famously said Forrest Gump's mom, and “you never know what you are gonna get”. Our box however big or small, whatever shape or colour, definitely contains sweet and bitter chocolates, spicy and sour bites - and we will taste them, there is no way round it. Of course it makes sense to take care of our box, keep it in one piece, in the right temperature, away from chocolate loving insects - but no matter what we do the time for an unpleasant bite will come…again and again. And the best thing we can do is experience it, before moving forward. What positive psychology teaches us is NOT TO CLOSE OUR EYES TO THE DARK SIDE OF LIFE. Instead, it teaches us how to foster our wellbeing proactively, so that we are better able to handle life's challenges. It does not encourage us to avoid difficult emotions and thoughts. Instead, it encourages us to face them, give them meaning and ultimately use them to move forward.
QUICK-FIXES FIX NOTHING
In a world of increasing speed and fake “everything”, it is tempting to think that there is a quick fix to whatever bothers us, only there is not - and definitely not when it comes to a happy life. There is NO MAGIC RECIPE, and ONE SIZE DEFINITELY DOES NOT FIT ALL. The more we understand ourselves and choose to foster experiences and habits that can boost our positive emotions and life satisfaction the better. But we must remember: our choices are personal - even the most popular positive habits, like meditation, do not work for all people. And the implementation of our positive habits is a journey not a moment - happiness is about knowing what makes us “tick” and about shifting from knowing to doing with determination.
Putting it all together, although the topic of happiness may sometimes appear like a rabbit-hole, it is really worth consciously exploring and making the most of what modern science offers us for understanding and leading a good life - which is often merely proof of some of the ideas philosophers, writers, or our grand-parents have taught us already!
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